- 10. Absorb any and all gossip but never pass it on. You will become a paradoxical fountain of salacious information and a trustworthy friend and ally.
- 9. Go to all the parties but never drink anything harder than a luke warm Yahoo, lest you be challenged to publicly rank the dubious talent levels of your assorted classmates.
- 8. Sleep with everyone. By this I only mean get in bed in your jammies and read your pages aloud, like Julie Andrews in a rainstorm. Even Slickster Producing Students don’t need a spare whore around to deal with in the morning.
- 7. Trust no one. Certainly not the producing students you’ve slept with. Either way, never share ownership of any original idea, unless the guy's name is Spielberg and he can clearly trace his close relationship to "Cousin Steve" in the family bloodline.
- 6. Be sure to lather, rinse and repeat on a daily basis. Nobody likes That Wacky Stinker who has a lovely way with words and an alleged series commitment from the Sci-Fi Channel.
- 5. Have an ignore button. Depress when Yet Another Has-Been drops in to explain why you will never sell your spec script, which roughly translates as, “Hot damn, my own career is in the crapper!”
- 4. Beware the Bitchy Self-Appointed Rival. You will recognize her by the bounteous unsolicited script notes only serving to prove that what she lacks in talent she makes up for with unrestrained glee for questioning yours.
- 3. Find out who gives out the money and bring him or her cupcakes. This is not the Big Deal Faculty Decision Maker, but the Lonely Staff Drone who actually cuts the check. It’s no use winning the big money if you can’t collect by the first of the month.
- 2. Never graduate. Or at least prolong the daily ritual of humiliation, obscurity and temping doing so will inevitably herald. Unless, of course, you’ve already sold and produced a feature or an award-winning television series and are just in this thing for the fun.
- 1. Never stay too long. This will only brand you as the Dreaded Film School Loser. I know this directly contradicts Tip #2, presenting yet another perplexing dilemma they won’t tell you about in film school.
Bonus Tip: Need a gift for yourself, a fellow film school survivor or that emotionally available gay friend? Order Ava Gardner (above), Betty Grable (left), or any of the Movie Star Die-Cut Paper Dolls for $4.25 each on-line at: Paper Doll Review